Tony Zirkle, You Are Dumb...

...or so sayeth, well...YOU ARE DUMB. Bryan may be a little late in piling on, but better late than never.

Zirkle, as you may recall, was the hapless candidate for the Republican nomination to run for a Congressional seat in northwest Indiana who accepted an invitation to speak at a celebration of Hitler's 119th birthday by the American Nazi Party--excuse me, the American National Socialist Workers' Party--as I joked about a couple of weeks ago. Apparently, though, I didn't give Zirkle all the credit he is due. I just made fun of his cluelessness about giving a speech on Hitler's birthday about how the Jewish-black porn dragon is conducting a "genocide" of the white race, all while framed by a large picture of Hitler and speaking to a bunch of guys wearing Swastika armbands or T shirts with images of Hitler on them and then later claiming that he didn't know they were a bunch of Nazis and that he was only bringing the message of Jesus to them. Oh, no, I missed a whole level of insanity here, as I only superficially looked at his website and haven't looked at it since. It turns out that ol' Tony's been a busy boy adding stuff to it that's so incredibly insane that it defies belief, as Brian points out:

Here, in what I guarantee is the single greatest ACTUAL QUOTE TIME of 2008, is what Tony Zirkle sounds like when he gets on a roll:

"What goes around, sometimes comes around, and sometimes a Zulu massacre comes right back in a dot com a few generations later to taunt a people in a new, more efficient destroying form of the same song, different dance hate speech. If addiction prone blanches can't get their act together, then all of us who have a shred of justice in our spine may one day have to debate the idea of giving them what their ancestors gave to the natives, the author or whom is still honored with placement on the $20 bill, and consider for a second, before being publicly scorn-burned to a 33rd degree crisp, the merits of exiling them to a 44 state reservation and consider slavery reparations where the 12%, 6 state FL, GA, SC, MS, AL, & LA South shall rise again under the transformed Bible-to-Gospel belt." - A section from Tony Zirkle's "Internet Porn" policy. Really.

Mocking Tony Zirkle for speaking to Nazis is all well and good, but I think it does Zirkle a disservice. It focuses on one unfortunate campaign event, when his entire campaign is so completely fucking insane, Ron Paul and Alan Keyes would refuse to appear with him on the 700 Club. Although, come to think of it, Tony Zirkle is just the guy to shore up John McCain's support amongst hard-core conservatives. He'd make an excellent running mate. Just tell McCain he's a governor from a battleground state, and the Maverick won't notice until at least late October.

Combine material like this with Zirkle's "Operation Yoda" to reach energy independence in a decade, and, once again, you have comedy gold. Sadly for comedians and bloggers everywhere, however, Zirkle lost the May 6 primary; but at least there's no chance of him getting into Congress this cycle, a result for which a grateful nation sighs in relief. Most hilarious of all, since his loss Zirkle's now claiming it was all a clever plan to get his message out:

However, with respect to the social issues, when it comes to who was most successful in placing their ideas on the public record, I can claim an incredible victory. I, myself, have been extremely pleased at how well my plan worked to get my message out for public consumption. I obtained national coverage from numerous Internet blogs, Fox National news, CNN, MSNBC and nationally syndicated radio talk shows. I've said from the beginning that my primary purpose was not to win, but to educate and inform. To that end, I can claim this campaign as a tremendous success.

I had to make a difficult decision with my tv commercials. Do I invest all to try to correct the record on false statements said about my positions and misunderstandings about them and lose votes, or do I invest all trying to create a warm and fuzzy, meaningless sound bite image and gain votes. Most choose the later. I chose the former.

I engaged in an experiment to see if the Great Porn Dragon could withstand my onslaught of humor. He can, or perhaps, I'm just not as funny as I think I am.

Zirkle's funny all right--just not in the way he apparently thinks he is. Sadly, he doesn't seem to have a clue that people are laughing at him, not with him. At least I am. Or at least I would if I didn't realize that Zirkle got 16% of the vote in the Republican primary on Tuesday.