Looks like an appropriate time to put this one up on the blog. I have to say that this was the one of the easiest pieces I've ever written. It's also the only one that got published at McSweeney's with no additional editing whatsoever.
The petri plate is the work of Satan. How does God know what a petri plate is in this ancient time before the advent of scientific achievement? It is because he's God, which is really handy for that sort of thing.
Go forth my children and use the word "embryo" whenever you can. It is a very pleasant-sounding word--say it as often as possible. In fact, my children, try this: point to anything and everything and say, "That's an embryo."
Mary tells us, "When a sperm and an egg come together, it represents the ultimate act of compassion and love. Therefore, it is a grievous sin to do studies on this type of thing. Plus, it's also kind of private."
The Lord says that our precious hearts and minds represent flesh of enormous piety. They should never be regenerated, regardless of the circumstances. While we're at it, we should also never regenerate eyebrows, nosehairs, or nipples--although the Lord figures that that is a given anyway.
For people who have had an accident and have lost the use of their legs, it is not the way of the Lord to try to fix this pain. Instead, God will tell them, "That's too bad." Then he will likely tell them a good joke to make them feel better.
And Jesus said, "Liquid nitrogen is evil. Once, while playing with it, I froze my finger solid and it actually broke off. Lucky for me I'm the Son of God, and I can just grow another one."
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(I always loved this one)
But do folks see the irony of the last passage? You know stem cells, tissue regeneration, grow another one. I always wondered if that was clear.
Can I get a star wars version of this? Because star wars versions of things are good. Here's Obi-Wan channeling senator Sam Brownback (R-Kansas), every time a fertility clinic throws out a bucket of frozen embryos instead of letting scientists save lives with them:
"I felt a great disturbance in the Force, as if millions of voices suddenly cried out in terror and were suddenly silenced."
But that last one means that stem cells are an attempt to assume the privileges of the deity, and therefore violates the first commandment, and is also an act of overweening hubris. Let people get away with that one, and next thing you know, they're controlling thunderbolts and building wings and stopping and restarting hearts.
The Star Wars angle would be interesting. I guess there's a few things one can look at more closely at - such as Darth Vader being the poster candidate for tissue regeneration, and the whole Luke and Leia twin thing. Plus Cheney has a pretty good handle over that Jedi mind trick thing, or so I gather.