Things You Don't Want to Hear, Part I

[Editor's Note: this is the first of an occasional series. Budding comedians are welcome to add to the list via the comment section.]

Things You Don't Want to Hear During Hospital Rounds:

1. "Anyone seen that specimen I left in the fridge yesterday?"

2. "We didn't have any Haldol on the floor so I gave him a Viagra."

3. "Well, then when was the last time you saw her?"

4. "I forgot that's what happens when you roll him over..."

5. "Hey, why are you all wearing masks?"

6. "You know, your lab coat reminds me to visit that Jackson Pollock exhibit."

7. "I know it's funny, but try to use another phrase instead of 'celestial discharge'."

8. "I found a great way to heat up a slice of pizza..."

9. "Did you really tell the student to get a 'standing stool velocity' on that patient?"

10. "You might want to hold off on eating that..."

11. "Her family is curious as to why all of a sudden she knows the words to 'Barnacle Bill the Sailor'."

12. "When you told the nurses he had pediculosis did you explain what that means?'

13. "Where the heck did everybody on 4 North go?"

14. "Enough with the 'denies a family history of lycanthropy,' OK?"

15. "I'll see you all at five o'clock for my lecture on nautical miles."