The rest of it

About a year ago, when I was an intern in the throes of my first medicine ward rotations, I got a compliment that shone in my memory for weeks.

We had a rather complicated patient on our team. Her case was such that she often required several family meetings a day, and because I was busy with checkyboxen, those meetings were usually attended by my senior resident, Dr. Tremble. Of a certain afternoon, Dr. Tremble was in clinic, and I attended a meeting in his place. Afterward, the patient's husband followed me out of the room, and asked me--in front of the medical students, no less!--whether I would consent to replace Dr. Tremble as his wife's primary team member. She just liked me better, he said.

I politely declined, and fairly shouted praise of Dr. Tremble at the husband, loudly enough so his wife could hear from inside the room. Privately, I spent the rest of the day in a self-congratulatory fog, making favorable comparisons between myself and my neurotic senior. Of course people like me better than him, I thought. I'm just so much more likeable.

Today was my third day as a senior resident on the medicine wards, and I am seeing very clearly how much harder it will be to be likeable this year. As I struggle to wrap my head around everything that's happening with every patient on my team, demonstrating what I actually do is much harder than it used to be.

As an intern, I had a deliverable product that I delivered every morning before 8:30: neat, thorough progress notes in every patient's chart, later reimagined as formal and informal presentations to our team. I answered pages constantly, and it was my name next to every order in every patient's chart. Everyone knew exactly how hard I worked, and by the times next to my notes and my orders, exactly how early I was getting in.

It's different now. What I'm meant to bring to a resident team is something very nebulous--a combination of decision-making ability, knowledge, and leadership, all enriched by a spectacularly delicious extra hour and a half of sleep. The only thing I'm sure I'm bringing right now is the sleep. I'm not so sure how I'll know when I'm bringing the rest of it. I am certain, however, that my team will know when I'm not.

After all, what proof do they have that I really do anything?