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Would you bronze your daughter's first poop? Tom Cruise would

By purepedantry on August 31, 2006.

I don't even want to know how he got it:

Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes have yet to show their baby daughter off in public, but eager fans were given an unusual preview with the chance to see a bronze cast depicting her first solid stool.

The scatological sculpture -- more doodoo than Dada -- is purportedly cast from 19-week old Suri's first bowel movement and will be shown at the Capla Kesting gallery in Brooklyn, New York, before being auctioned off for charity.

The artist behind the work, Daniel Edwards, previously courted controversy with a life-size nude sculpture of pop star Britney Spears giving birth on a bearskin rug. That work was shown at the same gallery in April.

"A bronzed cast of baby's first poop can be a meaningful memento for the family," gallery director David Kesting said, adding that he hoped the work would attract bids of up to 25 or 30,000 dollars. (Emphasis mine.)

But it isn't going to the family now is it? It isn't a memento. Some kind of weirdo collector is going to buy it.

Furthermore, how sad would it be if your parents did that to you? They could show it to your prom date..."Look, and here is the first poop our daughter produced. Aren't you impressed with its size?"

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I think the key word here is 'purportedly.' Yeah, Cruise is a few ____ short of a ____ (pick your favorite), but this would put him in Michael Jackson territory, which he's nowhere near. Even if we was nutty enough to bronze the kid's poop, do you think he'd really auction it off? Come on. It's a publicity stunt for Kesting and Edwards, not Cruise and Holmes.

Gads, you made me think seriously about Tom and Katie for several minutes now. I need to go purify myself. I wonder if Zimmer has some cool new parasite stories....

Don't they keep the kid in a diaper? I'm thinking, first poop, pretty much ... you know, diaper mess. Not what I'd think to cast.

And the poor kid, as if just having him for a father weren't bad enough. (Except that it makes perfect sense to me that celebrities should keep their children's lives out of the press if they can.)

I have to agree with Algerine. There's a lot of hedging going on in the e-Bay description.

"The commemoration of baby Suri Cruise?s first poop strives to be the evidence of her existence ..."

Strives to be?

"Suri Cruise?s commissioned bronzed baby poop ..."

Commissioned by whom? Nowhere does it say the Cruise's commissioned this piece of 'art'.

"Suri?s bronzed poop is purportedly cast ..."

Purportedly?

"... said David Kesting, director of Capla Kesting Fine Art. ?A bronzed cast of baby?s first poop can be a meaningful memento for the family.?"

So he says, but nowhere does anyone in the Cruise clan claim this to be a "meaningful mememto".

"...but he admits they?ve commissioned artist Daniel Edwards to produce a limited edition plaster replica."

Limited to how many of them they can sell to stupid people?

"Casting of the baby poop with a bronze finish and mounted on a base that includes a brass plate engraved with baby Suri?s name, comes at a time when Tom Cruise is increasingly known for his eccentricity."

This is bizarre...Tom is bizarre...therefore this must be a cast of his baby's poop. Right?

"Capla Kesting Fine Art assures the trend for bronzing baby poop isn?t so eccentric and simply follows the popularity of the critically acclaimed children?s book, ?Everybody Poops?."

But does everybody cast their baby's poop?

"The gallery asserts its bronzed baby poop reinforces claims, made after celebrity sightings of Suri, that Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes have a healthy baby."

But only if it's actually a cast of her poop. What happened to "purportedly"? Oh...the gallery asserts the evidence. Of course asserting something doesn't mean it has anything to do with the truth.

The fool who buys this deserves to be ripped off.

Isn't that poop sculpture a bit big for a newborn? What the heck are they feeding her? wait... I don't wanna know

that is sooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo stupid that you would do that but if you are famous than do it but do not do it if you are not famous!!!!!!!!!!!!!