Court Date

I know that there are hundreds of people out there who are wondering what happened regarding today's court date because I have been innundated with comments and email -- all of which I love!! -- so I'll give you the short news and then provide more detail: The hearing was postponed for one week.

We -- the team leader, who is a shrink, my own shrink, who is a resident, my medical student, and a mental health aid along with a security guard and me -- left the nuthouse at 930 am. We drove across Manhattan to Ward's Island in a state van to a large and truly scarey-looking high-security facility with two parallel 20-foot high chain-link fences topped with curls of razorwire. This facility is apparently where all or nearly all psychiatric cases are determined, including criminal cases. After going through three electronically-controlled steel security doors that had flashing red laser lights accompanied with buzzing noises, we were escorted onto a rather utilitarian-looking steel elevator that took us to the fifth floor.

The court waiting room was located very near the elevator and next door to the court room itself. The waiting room was nearly a total shambles, with tables and chairs in a disarray, some of them broken, and it smelled of piss. Oddly, my shrink chose this moment to ask if I wanted to use the bathroom, so I looked at him and said, "why would I use the bathroom when no one else does?"

He looked rather shocked so I apologized, even though I felt smugly satisfied at his reaction. Apparently it was too early in the morning for humor. Or maybe he was wondering how I could manage any attempt at humor, considering how scared I must have looked. This hole made me think of the horror stories experienced by women locked up prisons, and made me wonder if women in mental health "hospitals" also experience the same sorts of violence.

So we ended up waiting approximately an hour for my lawyer, all the while watching a long parade of highly unusual people enter and exit the room. Sometimes it was difficult to distinguish the er, "patients" from the patients' friends, lawyers, security guards and the staff themselves. One glaring example of this was an absolutely enormous security guard who slouched glumly in a chair, with only one eye open, chubby legs spread wide open, such that everyone with eyes could see a hole in his inseam in a revolting and revealing location.

I was never sure if my shrink noticed this lack of decorum, and wasn't sure if I should comment on it, but decided that pointing it out might not be a good topic for conversation at just that moment. But it sure does make a good story for my blog, HA!

As for myself, I was wearing my only pair of jeans that has a hole strategically placed in my hip seam so I can use it as a convenient pencil holder while I am reviewing books or writing haiku. I also wore a pair of terribly scuffed-up multi-colored leather shoes that should be dyed one color -- black -- and an ivory-colored wool turtleneck sweater that my roommate gave to me. So basically, I looked like a non-grunge collegial type .. a college protestor maybe.

So after watching a wide variety of truly pathetic and absolutely clueless people for an hour or so, with a mixture of sympathy and horror (afterall, we might end up as roommates!), I finally met my lawyer, who looked disturbingly like a thinner version of Santa Claus, except his breath did not smell of candy canes, if you catch my drift. As I later mentioned to my shrink, I was very bothered by this resemblance because I wanted my layer to look more like a rabid pit bull rather than an underfed Saint Nicholas with halitosis. My shrink laughed at this comment, so it seemed that his coffee must have activated the humor center in his brain.

After waiting forever, we went in to the courtroom itself, which was a disarray of folding chairs surrounded by a tangle of people. The judge was sitting at a desk at the front of the room which looked rather like a long and narrow classroom. My lawyer appealed to the judge for a continuance, saying that my case was too complicated to do it justice today, and besides, the lawyer had been ill, so I only met him today for the first time. So basically, the judge granted a continuance for one week. Then we returned to the state hospital where I currently stay.

Overall, I found the entire experience to be intimidating and frightening, and at times, I was absolutely terrified. I tried to find the humor in the situation, just to keep myself from freaking out but this was very difficult. I learned that my shrink had brought a cocktail of drugs with him, including the powerful narcotic, ativan, and haldol, along with a pair of padded nylon handcuffs. Even though he allowed me to look everything over, and even though I was calm and curious, I felt both upset and terrified, wondering what sort of insane person they must think I am.

My shrink and the mental health aid (whom I am close to) did try to make the entire process less frightening, engaging me in interesting conversation and asking me how I was holding up, and for that, I am grateful. But as I sit here writing this for you, I am completely, totally exhausted, feeling wrung out like a wash wet cloth. But I wanted to write this story for all of you as soon as possible since I know that you probably are concerned and might want some good news to be grateful for.

Even though this ordeal is not over, I know I have some good friends out there and I give thanks for all of you, for your blog comments, your emails, letters, and packages. You are the most outstanding and fabulous people in the entire human race. Keep up the good work so that people like me can continue to give you joy by finding and sharing all the beauty and wonder in the world around us.

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What happened next?

How the heck did this nuthouse story get started in the first place?

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