The Motivations of the Attack are Made Clear

URGENT: We have a new update from the War Against Manatees.

The Bad Reporter has a dispatch from the great manatee migration. While the enviro-terrorists are claiming global warming is to blame, we patriots know what's up. It's not warm northern waters that are drawing the sea cows north. They're out to undermine our way of life.

That's right -- they're on their way to Massachusetts (aka, the Gay State) for some dirty man-on-man action. And maybe some woman-on-woman action. But definitely man-on-man. Hot, steamy, man-manatee-on-man-manatee action. DIRTY!!!

Because you can't get that kind of nasty down in the gulf -- unless you include Miami, which is really just an annex of New York City and doesn't count as the south -- they're invading the northern waters. In the real south, where the manatees belong, that kind of behavior is not tolerated. So the manatees are moving to Gayassachusettes. For the gayness. And the hot, steamy man-on-man action. We are only left to wonder where their next destination may be. We've got our money on San Francisco.