The Lunatic Reverend Moon

On July 4, 2002, the Unification Church (a.k.a. the Moonies) took out a full page ad in newspapers all around the world that just has to be seen to be believed. I'm going to reprint parts of that ad here, skipping all of the statements by all of the "underlings" of the great religions, along with my own comments interspersed in italics. And at the end, I'll tell you why this is important.

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Preface: What follows is a complex document. It was produced at a seminar in spirit world for leaders of the five great religions.(A seminar in the spirit world? I'm just picturing Jesus and Buddha and Confucius milling around in the hallway outside a conference room at the Valhalla Holiday Inn, eating stale danishes and waiting for Rev. Moon to take the makeshift stage and sell motivational videos) It includes testimonies to the True Parents, Reverend and Mrs. Sun Myung Moon, a letter from God, messages from four communist leaders, and a resolution written and adopted by the representatives of the five great religions. (Holy shit! Even Michael Eisner couldn't put together a party list like that. But where is Paris Hilton? She would never miss a party with that many A-listers. And I can't believe Shirley MacLaine would miss this event!)

To take this all in, we advise you to relax and open your mind for a while.(Of course. It goes without saying that if you don't buy this load of bullshit, it can only be because you just don't have an open mind) If you believe in the existence of a higher dimension of reality, of God, of an invisible realm, this will call you to reflect on the implications of that belief. We believe in the spirit world and in the continuation of individual identity from this world to that one. All the passed-away saints are residing in spirit world. Since Jesus called him in 1935, the Reverend Sun Myung Moon has carried on a ministry to spirit world in parallel with his ministry on Earth. He has sought to gather the founders and saints of all faiths around one table of unity. In recent times, he has ministered to spirits in hell and opened the gates of their liberation. This collection of testimonies is one fruit of that ministry.

The Family Federation for World Peace and Unification is publishing this document throughout America and in 40 countries worldwide. This proclamation is our responsibility to let all humankind know the works of God in our age.

This message has significant practical as well as spiritual import. It is a unifying message, addressing believers of all faiths as one global family. As such it is intended to draw all men and women to the one Holy God and help bring world peace. Peace will not arrive through politics or economic development alone, as crucial as these things are. The foundation for peace is common faith in God and practice of true parental, conjugal and familial love. Hence the value of True Parents, and the messianic power of their words and works.

A committee or coalition cannot instigate true love; the responsibility for this devolves to substantial human exemplars. The testimonies that follow bear witness that the Reverend and Mrs. Sun Myung Moon are those exemplars and have opened the gates for all people to inherit, through them, God’s completed salvation, prophesied in all scriptures.

The testimonies appeal to Father Moon’s teachings and works as the evidence of their veracity. We encourage the reader to move beyond these messages and duly pursue study of his teachings and works. Those of us who have followed Father Moon’s leadership confirm the testimonies of the saints. We believe in God’s work for world peace, to bring His kingdom upon the Earth and in Heaven. With that love and hope in our hearts, we recommend these messages to you.

The Editors
Family Federation for World Peace, International

Ceremony in spirit world for the adoption and proclamation of a written resolution by the representatives of the five great religions.

1. Christianity: Jesus and 12 other representatives
2. Confucianism: Confucius and 12 other representatives (including 3 additional people)(Leave it to the Chinese to have more people than any other group)
3. Buddhism: Buddha and 12 other representatives
4. Islam: Muhammad and 12 other representatives
5. Hinduism: Three people among the 12 representatives

(What? Where are the Jews? You couldn't get Moses or David to drop in and lend a hand? For crying out loud, you could have at least gotten Alan King. He'll play any room. This is a major oversight. Leaving the Jews off the major religions list is like leaving Madonna out of a book called Great Skanks in History.)

This report was sent by Dr. Sang Hun Lee and received by reporter Mrs. Young Soon Kim, between December 19 and December 27, 2001, at the Asan Campus of Sun Moon University.

Ceremony in spirit world for the adoption and proclamation of a written resolution by representatives of the five great religions

Order of the Ceremony:

Date and time: Noon, December 25, 2001 (I love the fact that they give specific dates and times for this entirely fictional event, as though that lends credibility to the story)

Master of Ceremonies: Dr. Sang Hun Lee

1. Proclamation of the opening of the ceremony: We will now conduct the ceremony for the adoption and proclamation of a written resolution by the representatives of the five great religions.
2. Recitation of the Family Pledge
3. Proclamation of the written resolution (Jesus)
4. Representative prayer (Jesus)
5. Three cheers of victory, led by Mohammed - Victory for God, Victory for True Parents, Victory for the five great religions (And Go Yankees!)

The ceremony concluded with applause.(Except Jesus, because his hands whistle when he tries to clap)

Seating Arrangement:

1. The front seats were filled by the leading representatives of the five great religions.
2. Behind the leading representatives, the 12 other representatives of each religion sat.
3. In the back of the arena, 120 representatives from each religion sat.

(One has to wonder what the meal was. The Muslims won't eat pork or shellfish, the Hindus won't touch beef, and some of the Christians can't eat meat on Fridays. Probably just fried manna.)

We of the five great religions, attending God above us and True Parents horizontally, pledge and proclaim that we will go the way of absolute obedience, in order to correct all of the wrongs committed throughout history.

I report this in the name of Jesus, of a central blessed family. Amen, Amen, Amen.(Is there something slightly egomaniacal about saying a prayer in your own name? What's the etiquette here?)

1. We resolve and proclaim that God is the Parent of all humankind.
2. We resolve and proclaim that Reverend Sun Myung Moon is the Savior, Messiah, Second Coming and True Parent of all humanity.
3. We resolve and proclaim that the Unification Principle is a message of peace for the salvation of humanity and the gospel for the Completed Testament Age.
4. We resolve and proclaim that we will accomplish the peaceful unification of the cosmos through “living for others” while transcending religion, nationality and race, centering on true love. (Except for gays, of course - they don't get to play our reindeer games)
5. The representatives of the five great religions resolve and proclaim that we will harmonize with one another, unite and move forward, in order to bring about the nation of God and world peace, while attending True Parents.

This has been resolved and proclaimed by Jesus, the leading representative of the group of representatives of the five great religions, Christianity, Confucianism, Buddhism, Islam and Hinduism, at noon on December 25, 2001.

1. Christianity

Jesus: Reverend Sun Myung Moon! Thou art the Second Coming who inaugurated the Completed Testament Age! The 120 people, who have brought light to the history of Christianity, pledge to take part in all that the True Parents do, and resolve to strive toward the ideal, the original garden where there is no original sin, through the guidance, the words of the Completed Testament, and the Unification Principle, of the Savior and Messiah, the Reverend Sun Myung Moon. (2001.12.19)

(Skipping the similar testaments by the 12 Christian leaders)

2. Confucianism

Confucius: The 120 figures representing Confucianism pledge to accept the Unification Principle as the truth and to believe and attend the Reverend Sun Myung Moon as the Savior and Messiah in the Completed Testament Age. (2001.12.19)(P.S. Man who have sex in strawberry patch have piece on earth)

(Skipping the similar statements by the 15 representatives of Confucianism)

3. Buddhism

Buddha: Reverend Sun Myung Moon! True Parents! The 120 people of Buddhism vow and pledge to advance toward a movement of peace that will guide humanity in a new direction. We pledge to attend God as the Parent of humankind and Reverend Sun Myung Moon as a True Parent, and to equip ourselves with the Unification Principle and Unification Thought. (2001.12.20)(The Zen koan of the Moonies - what is the sound of millions of morons falling for such nonsense?)

(Skipping the similar testaments from Buddhists - though the one from Richard Gere talking about how the Rev. Moon got him in touch with his gerbil's true Buddha nature was nothing short of inspiring)

4. Islam

Muhammad: Since I, Muhammad, encountered the Unification Principle and met the Reverend Sun Myung Moon, my worldview has changed. I am now confident in everything. Everything seems new to me now. I am filled with optimism and hope. (Ever since I ordered Tony Robbins' success tapes, my life is better. I bought half of the San Fernando valley with nothing but my good looks and Camel Cash because Tony told me I could) This is because I have come to know the fundamental will of God and that God is the Parent of humankind. I know now that this is the way I must go. The basic way of life is to live in attendance to our vertical and horizontal parents.

I cry out: Victory for God! Victory for Reverend Sun Myung Moon, the True Parent, Messiah and Savior! All Muslims follow the will of Muhammad. Allah, whom you have been following, was actually God, Jehovah. There is only one God for humankind and God is our Parent. I offer my pledge. I pledge to have faith in everything and follow the will of the Eternal God. (2001.12.26)

(Skipping the similar testaments from Muslim leaders - though the Ayatollah Khomeini's declaration of jihad against Disney was an especially nice touch)

5. Hinduism.

I'll just skip the three representatives of Hinduism.

6. Four Representative Communist Leaders. (It's a nice touch getting the atheists in on the act. Everyone loves a good after-deathbed conversion)

1. Karl Marx (1818-1883, The founder of Marxism; born in Trier, Germany.): I, Marx, affirm God’s existence and that He is the Parent of all humankind. I denied God and shouted loudly with confidence to the extent that people believed me more than God. Now I’d like to reveal my experience with God to the whole world. I felt that my theoretical paradigm was crumbling as I listened to the Godism lecture. At the same time my pride was damaged severely. When I listened to Godism, I thought it was a dream, but it was not. Then a beam of light came into my heart like a red-hot bullet.

I, Marx, have met God. I have found that He is the Parent of humankind. I have felt the greatness of God’s love. I clearly convey to you who God is. He is the Parent of humankind. Reverend Sun Myung Moon, who is on the Earth, brought this fact to light. The Divine Principle and Unification Thought express the original standards that open the way to salvation, so you must read them. I ask this of you seriously. I clearly say that I apologize for my past to God and True Parents and love them and am proud of them. Marx, April 18, 2002

2. Lenin (Vladimir Ilich Ulyanov; 1870-1924, The leader of the Russian Revolution, the October 1917 revolution, Chairman of The People’s Commissariat.): God certainly exists. He exists as the Parent of humankind. In spite of that, I put myself on the vanguard of Communist revolution with a sword in my hands, shouting out that there are no parents. I made their hearts ache.

I announce to Communists: God, Jehovah, certainly exists and He is the Parent of humankind. The Communist counties will perish without fail. The ideal of Communism will be realized by its being engrafted upon Unification Thought. I have an earnest request for you. There is only one way for Communist countries to live and that is to follow Reverend Moon’s guidance. Please study the Divine Principle in detail. Please receive the thought of Reverend Moon and study it deeply. If you do so, you will attend God more truly than the thinkers or politicians of the Free World. This is the only way to live truly. If you follow my words, it will release me from unimaginable suffering and agony. I beg this of you. Communist countries must re-arrange everything as soon as possible. I met God. The spirit doesn’t die, but lives. This is my last wish, given in blood from the world of Heaven. “God is alive. God is the Parent of humankind.” Lenin, April 19, 2002

3. Stalin (Joseph Vissarionovich Djugashvili Stalin, 1879-1953, Lenin’s successor, who communized Russia.): Friends in Communist countries, I am Stalin. You have had wrong thinking. As the way you are going is not the way you should go, you must turn to the right path as soon as possible. One’s life on the Earth determines the place one will live in the heavenly world. Our beliefs are wrong. The worst of it is that we deny and ignore God, who is the origin of the cosmos. The God we denied is the Parent of humankind. God is not a theological existence, but is our Parent.

Those at whom we laughed live well in spirit world. It is certain that they didn’t go to Hell. When we laughed at them, they and God loved us. We live in the bottom of Hell here. Do you understand what it means? People here don’t treat each other as human beings, but as material. If there were any means to rid myself of this pain, I would do it. The place one dwells in the spirit world cannot be decided by power, honor or gold. It is decided by the sincerity of your life on the Earth. First, know and believe God and attend Him. Second, completely clarify your way of life.

Please receive the will of Reverend Moon completely, open your minds and build churches for the worship of God and hold worship services. Reverend Moon reflects the image of God, even though he is a man, and he is struggling intensely to save Communist countries. His thought is messianic, especially for the Communist countries. You must receive his ideology of peace immediately. I, the dictator who denied God, cry out to all the Communist countries on the Earth. Please believe in God and seek for Him. Stalin, April 19, 2002 (And, uh, sorry about that whole Ukrainian starvation thing. My bad.)

4. Deng Xiao Ping (1902-1997, the Chairman of Chinese Communist Party.): Thanks be to God for forgiving the one who committed sin. Thank you Reverend Moon for working hard to save those in Hell and the Communist bloc.
Friends in the Communist Party! The word that followed me was one that made God’s heart bleed. I now know that I was a terrible sinner. Reverend Moon is the one who brought to light Unification Thought and the Divine Principle, and he is the father of humankind named as True Parent by God. Follow him and be guided by him. Communism has misled humankind. God exists as the Parent of humankind. We all became rebels against God. The spirits are destined to live here in the spirit world. There is no way for Communists to live, but by following Reverend Moon’s guidance. This is my earnest wish and appeal. Deng Xiao Ping, April 21, 2002 (Deng Xiao Ping? Deng Xiao Ping? You lined up all these people and you couldn't get Chairman Mao himself to attend, he sent a no-talent lackey like Deng in his place? I guess Rev. Moon doesn't have as much pull as he thinks he does)

(Was this notarized? Call me skeptical, but ever since Moses came up with that ridiculous story about his dog eating the stone tablets that the 10 Commandments were written on, I'm a show me kinda guy on the God letter issue)

Dear Beloved True Parents,

I am the God of all people. I am the God of all people. I am the God of all people. (Like Kid Rock, God feels the need to incessantly tell you his name, lest ye forget)

My beloved son. My beloved son. My beloved son,

I, the God of all people (My name is Goooooooooooooooooooooooood, bawita ba da bang a dang diggy diggy), love True Parents! I love you greatly! I hold you dearly! (I heart my dog!)

How could I help but feel happiness and gratitude for you, who are my son? If there were a word better than “love,” I would like to borrow that verb, but I can't think of a better word. (God can't think of a better word? He invented all the world's languages at the Tower of Babel, and now he's at a loss for words? Omniscient, my ass) Although the True Parents reside in a deep place in my heart, I cannot adequately express my love for you in words.

As you, the True Parents, have now succeeded in everything and have raised everything to its true level, you are now the Savior, Messiah and King of Kings of all of humanity!!! (You the man. No, I mean it, you the fucking man) Because on December 25, 2001, the Founders and representatives of Christianity and the other religions adopted written resolutions in which they without exception resolved to participate in realizing the peaceful unification of the cosmos, while attending the True Parents, it is right and proper that the True Parents are exalted in the position of True Parents of all humankind. I, the God of all people, desire this and want to see it happen.

Despite the people of the world not yet fully understanding the position of True Parents, because the position should be fulfilled internally, I, the God of all people, invite the True Parents to the position of King of Kings.

Because the True Parents have, in my place, endured countless difficult paths, I now want to bestow upon you all of the gratitude, inspiration, excitement and joy that I have been feeling. I want you to inherit all that is mine.

My beloved True Parents! I have wanted to express my heart to you for a long time, but I have not had such an opportunity. However, now this daughter of mine has looked into my heart. This has allowed this time to come to pass, and I would like to express to you my gratitude.

True Parents! My beloved True Parents! I want to hold you in my bosom and not let you go! It is a waste for me to walk the floor with my two legs. I want to hold you all night and talk to you! (Okay, this is a bit uncomfortable, isn't it? God wants to spoon with the Rev. Moon. I feel so dirty now)

I, the God of all people, have faith. I believe in the True Parents. I know and remember all of the difficulties, pain and suffering that you have had to endure. I have seen it all. It was all my responsibility, yet you endured and raised a victorious standard. How can I ever forget you? I am grateful.

I am so happy because of you. Truly, I thank you for your hard work.

My beloved True Parents, victory to you! Victory to the Saviors of humanity! Victory to the King of Kings, True Parents!

I, the God of all people, sincerely convey this to my beloved True Parents.

Midnight, December 28, 2001

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Now here's the kicker. Despite making such monumentally stupid claims as this "spirit world seminar", this guy not only has followers, he as millions of them. One of them is none other than Jonathan Wells, one of the most prominent advocates of Intelligent Design Creationism and a senior fellow at the Discovery Institute. Now here's the real kicker. Rev. Moon gave a speech at the Dirkson Senate Office Building on March 23rd of this year, which culminated in a ceremony where he was crowned King of Kings with 81 congressmen and senators present, including prominent Republican Curt Weldon (read about his spokesperson's prevarication on the subject here). The investigative reporter John Gorenfeld has a transcript of the video and lots more information. Gorenfeld has done some incredible work exposing Moon's activities in the United States as well as his unbelievably bizarre ideas.

Rev. Moon has become enormously powerful in the American political system, especially on the right wing, but today he is building alliances on the left as well. He owns the Washington Times, a conservative newspaper, he owns United Press International, and his front groups fund a wide range of right wing foundations, some of whom have received federal tax money through Bush's faith-based initiatives program. He has even built strong ties to religious right and allegedly Christian leaders like Jerry Falwell, Tim LaHaye and Pat Robertson. And what does Rev. Moon have in mind for America? How about this little tidbit from a speech he gave at his palace in Korea:

There will be a purge on God's orders, and evil will be eliminated like shadows. Gays will be eliminated, the 3 Israels will unite. If not then they will be burned. We do not know what kind of world God will bring but this is what happens. It will be greater than the communist purge but at God's orders.

How's that for chilling?