Music critics. Got to love them. Just the right mixture of disdain, hipster arrogance and snobbery to set the teeth on edge. Ooooh, love that band no one has ever heard of. Hate that band that "sold out" and became famous. They were so much more authentic when they were poor and no one heard and enjoyed their music. Ask U2.
Vice's music critics have a new list out, The 123 Worst Musicians of All Time, which hits the hipster music critic disdain nail right on the head. Amongst them they come up with a list of the 123 worst musicians of all time, which amongst them leaves them with basically not liking any music every made at all anytime by anyone. Except King Crimson, which is the ultimate hipster critic band.
And at the end of the day, I actually kind of love the list. It skewers everybody, hammers every pretension and blasts every populist musical nitwit. Equal opportunity sarcasm and bile at its best. Sure, all my favourite bands are listed, but then again so are yours. Not to mention most of the time the smug dismissal of the bands in question actually has nothing to do with their music but with how they dress or other largely irrelevant factors.
Here are their comments for some of my favourite musicians. Check out the whole list. Your faves will be there too.
BLACK SABBATH
Most people can name more animals they think Ozzy Osbourne has bitten the head off of than actual Black Sabbath songs.
CREAM / ERIC CLAPTON
White man discover guitar. White man like guitar. Guitar fun. Guitar make good noise. Cocaine!
JIMI HENDRIX
This guy could only play one instrument.
RAGE AGAINST THE MACHINE
Rage is a band for the dude who just took a poli-sci class at the University of Phoenix Online.
THE WHO
Wow, a carefully constructed rock opera about the trials and tribulations of growing up, confronting bullying and abuse, and ultimately accepting yourself? More like The Who Gives A Shit?
Yes, you. It's also fun because all the bands you really hate are shot down too. Yes, go read it.
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"WHITNEY HOUSTON
More like Shitney Houston, right?"
Also recommended for snappy music criticism: Robert Christgau.
"The Ramones’ music sounds like if you found a cheap chainsaw at a garage sale and lit it on fire."